Contributed by Karen Cioffi, Children's Writer
According to Masterclass, internal dialogue “can provide deep insight into a character’s thoughts, fear, self-esteem, and general point of view and opinions.” (1)
This allows the reader to get inside the main character’s head. This, in turn, makes the protagonist’s internal thoughts powerful. It helps create a deeper connection between the reader and the main character.
Internalization is called by a number of names, including internal thoughts, internal dialogue, and internal monologue.
This type of dialogue is revealing and personal.
The main character will not say everything he thinks. It might be too embarrassing, offend someone, or leave the main character vulnerable. Whatever the reason, some things just aren’t spoken out loud. The same as with you and me.
An example of this is from the first paragraph in the first chapter of my chapter book Walking Through Walls:
Wang bound the last bunch of wheat stalks as the sun beat down on the field. Sweat poured from the back of his neck, drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work. He hurled the bundles on a cart. “Father, the bales are stacked. I am going home; it is too hot.”
Granted, today, a twelve-year-old boy might very well tell his parent he hates doing something, but this story is set in 16th-century China. Wang would never tell his father he hated working the fields.
So, the internal thought brings the reader into Wang’s POV.
As internal thoughts are such a powerful writing tool, how do you let the reader know what’s written is the main character’s internal thoughts?
Quotation Marks
I’ve seen drafts from clients who have internal thoughts in quotation marks.
The above excerpt example would read: “I hate doing this work.”
I'm not crazy about this way of writing internal thoughts, especially for children. It’s not clear. The reader could think Wang is talking out loud to himself, or in this context, to his father.
When writing for children, it’s essential to write with clarity. Everything should be easily understood, so it’s best to use quotation marks only for spoken dialogue. This strategy will help keep things clear for the reader.
Italics With Tags
If I used a tag, it would have read: I hate doing this work, he thought.
When it’s easy to understand who’s having the thoughts, a tag isn’t needed.
If there is any question about who is talking, tags should be used.
Italics Without Tags
Aware the reader knows who is talking, I wouldn't use the tag: I hate doing this work.
Not Italicized Without Tags
This style of writing thoughts is not my cup of tea either. It breaks the flow and can be confusing, especially for children. If using third-person POV, it goes from the narrator to the main character’s internal thoughts with no clear indication.
The example above would read:
Sweat poured from the back of his neck, drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work. He hurled the bundles on a cart. “Father, the bales are stacked.”
It jumps from the narrator to the main character’s internal thoughts and then jumps back to narration.
Not Italicized With Tags
This is another style I don’t like. Taking the excerpt from above but using this writing style, it might be clear it’s the character’s internal thoughts because of the tag, but if the main character continues his thoughts after the tag, it could become confusing and make the reader pause.
Sweat poured from the back of his neck drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work, he thought. He hurled the bundles on a cart. I’d better tell my father I’m done. He yelled across the rows of wheat. “Father, the bales are stacked.
I prefer internal thoughts italicized with or without tags, depending on the context. Simplicity rules when it comes to writing for children.
Sources:
(1) https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-internal-dialogue
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Karen Cioffi is an award-winning children’s author, ghostwriter, rewriter, and coach. If you need help with your story, visit Writing for Children with Karen Cioffi.
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